yesterday and today...

on most days, i embrace this very important role of mine-- mama. homemaker. teacher. boo boo kisser. 

i've come to love all its demands: hair brushing, story telling, dress up, the abcs and the 123s.  i've even found purpose or humor in the not so fun things: potty training, cooking (oh, don't get me started on cooking!) and cleaning, sibling rivalry, rebellious super princesses who refuse to take their naps, and chubby baby hands that get into the cupboard and make a powdery mess of bisquick all over the kitchen floor.

yesterday was not one of those days. 

yesterday i found myself wanting to send my kids away and be selfish- get my hair done and make a trip to the tanning bed, go on a long bike ride, have a fling with a random stranger who wasn't home sick on the couch with the flu and shivering his brains out. (haha sorry nick, i love you completely, but your illnesses were not helping my mood)

yesterday, i was so mean to my children.  i refused all their requests for chocolate milk, i verbally told cameron that she was a pain in my butt (with different verbiage, if you catch my drift) and the most difficult child i had ever known, and i may have even thrown food across the room out of anger, frustration, and desperation. 

no, it wasn't a pretty day in the rakes household. i blamed myself for a lot of things, but that was after taking out all my frustrations on my kids.   i felt so much resentment. i felt tired. i felt my absolute ugliest, inside and out.  by the end of the day, i felt as if my kids were going to be taken from me because i didn't deserve them and they didn't deserve such an awful mother.

that night, i prayed to God to help me be a better mommy, to be more understanding and patient, to take away some of these horrible and selfish thoughts that were clouding my brain.  i prayed for a change in heart.

today, when i woke up, i found Haley sleeping at the end of our bed.  she sleeps in her own room and cameron still sleeps with us, but this morning, despite my ugliness toward her yesterday, she still made it into my bed to find rest and comfort at her mommy's feet. 

what a gracious gift from God. 

what a sweet sight.

what a way to be reminded of my purpose.

but God was not done reminding me of my purpose just yet.
He has quite a way of teaching me a lesson sometimes...
or maybe he was just testing me.

as Haley woke up, sleepy little eyes and the wildest but cutest bed head, she also let out a couple gagging noises and then... yep. out it came. just like that. all over my bed. yellow toddler vomit. happy first day of march, mommy!

and what did i do?

i didn't yell. i didn't cry.  i didn't scream.
i held her, i pulled her hair back for her, and i told her it's okay.

i took her downstairs, put water in the tub, and treated her to the warmest most bubbly of baths.

i washed her hair, dried her with a fluffy towel, and stuck her in her favorite color: pink.

i told myself i wasn't going to be selfish.

when mema showed up with chicken noodle soup, crackers, and ginger ale and offered to take the girls off my hands for the day, i told her "no". not because i don't need a personal day, but because today... today especially... my girls needed me, and i needed them too.

we've spent the day loving up on eachother and making up for yesterday's tensions... celebrating the first day of a new month with sidewalk chalk, breakfast in front of the tv, and unlimited tater tots and chocolate milk.

yesterday is history, but it taught me a couple things that i am keeping in my treasure box:

for every super princess that doesn't get their nap in that afternoon, there is a toddler that goes to sleep a few hours early and gives you a couple hours for yourself that night.

for every bisquick mess made on the kitchen floor, there are sweet little powered footprints scattered about and equally sweet handprints on your walls and couch. 
(and clean-up really isn't so bad)

for every mother that has an "off" day, there is hope for a better one tomorrow...

<3

big girl

Cameron was taking a nap on the couch, I was in my office working on some pictures and Haley was upstairs bumbling around in her room. When she finally came down, she flashed her freshly polished right hand with the biggest smile on her face. "I did it all by myself!", she exclaimed. Yes puddin pop, you certainly did, you are growing up right before my eyes and it makes me want to hold you tight in my arms and pray that time slows down a little bit. But instead, I will sit you in my lap and help you paint your left hand, grateful that little ladies always need their mommies, at 3 and even still at 25...

love the girl who holds the world in a paper cup...

nick and i completed our first e-trade this morning! i feel super nerdy and accomplished and might even let out a couple snorts before the day's end.  thoughts of digital trading, shares, earnings and investment make me feel somewhat sophisticated and adult-like, but mostly just needy and desperate. maybe i will buy a cute houndstooth briefcase and thick rimmed glasses with some of our loot so i can really play the part, or maybe just settle for those mustache bandages i've been coveting. yea, that sounds more like it, especially since e-trade isn't sending me any goodies for taking such a grown-up chance. the. stock. market! a sticker or magnet would be nice.



the other half of my morning was spent hanging my head in shame after googling ways to fancy up ramen noodles. after we get through this little bump in the road, i am vowing never to buy those college kid noodles ever again.

thank god for old shirley temple movies, capri-sun drinking, bare bottom tricycle riding and the wonders they work on this heavy heart.  and thank god for ramen noodles, too... i suppose.