yesterday and today...

on most days, i embrace this very important role of mine-- mama. homemaker. teacher. boo boo kisser. 

i've come to love all its demands: hair brushing, story telling, dress up, the abcs and the 123s.  i've even found purpose or humor in the not so fun things: potty training, cooking (oh, don't get me started on cooking!) and cleaning, sibling rivalry, rebellious super princesses who refuse to take their naps, and chubby baby hands that get into the cupboard and make a powdery mess of bisquick all over the kitchen floor.

yesterday was not one of those days. 

yesterday i found myself wanting to send my kids away and be selfish- get my hair done and make a trip to the tanning bed, go on a long bike ride, have a fling with a random stranger who wasn't home sick on the couch with the flu and shivering his brains out. (haha sorry nick, i love you completely, but your illnesses were not helping my mood)

yesterday, i was so mean to my children.  i refused all their requests for chocolate milk, i verbally told cameron that she was a pain in my butt (with different verbiage, if you catch my drift) and the most difficult child i had ever known, and i may have even thrown food across the room out of anger, frustration, and desperation. 

no, it wasn't a pretty day in the rakes household. i blamed myself for a lot of things, but that was after taking out all my frustrations on my kids.   i felt so much resentment. i felt tired. i felt my absolute ugliest, inside and out.  by the end of the day, i felt as if my kids were going to be taken from me because i didn't deserve them and they didn't deserve such an awful mother.

that night, i prayed to God to help me be a better mommy, to be more understanding and patient, to take away some of these horrible and selfish thoughts that were clouding my brain.  i prayed for a change in heart.

today, when i woke up, i found Haley sleeping at the end of our bed.  she sleeps in her own room and cameron still sleeps with us, but this morning, despite my ugliness toward her yesterday, she still made it into my bed to find rest and comfort at her mommy's feet. 

what a gracious gift from God. 

what a sweet sight.

what a way to be reminded of my purpose.

but God was not done reminding me of my purpose just yet.
He has quite a way of teaching me a lesson sometimes...
or maybe he was just testing me.

as Haley woke up, sleepy little eyes and the wildest but cutest bed head, she also let out a couple gagging noises and then... yep. out it came. just like that. all over my bed. yellow toddler vomit. happy first day of march, mommy!

and what did i do?

i didn't yell. i didn't cry.  i didn't scream.
i held her, i pulled her hair back for her, and i told her it's okay.

i took her downstairs, put water in the tub, and treated her to the warmest most bubbly of baths.

i washed her hair, dried her with a fluffy towel, and stuck her in her favorite color: pink.

i told myself i wasn't going to be selfish.

when mema showed up with chicken noodle soup, crackers, and ginger ale and offered to take the girls off my hands for the day, i told her "no". not because i don't need a personal day, but because today... today especially... my girls needed me, and i needed them too.

we've spent the day loving up on eachother and making up for yesterday's tensions... celebrating the first day of a new month with sidewalk chalk, breakfast in front of the tv, and unlimited tater tots and chocolate milk.

yesterday is history, but it taught me a couple things that i am keeping in my treasure box:

for every super princess that doesn't get their nap in that afternoon, there is a toddler that goes to sleep a few hours early and gives you a couple hours for yourself that night.

for every bisquick mess made on the kitchen floor, there are sweet little powered footprints scattered about and equally sweet handprints on your walls and couch. 
(and clean-up really isn't so bad)

for every mother that has an "off" day, there is hope for a better one tomorrow...

<3

silver linings...

It's been one of those weeks when
...you don't get your nap in 2 days in a row because company shows up
...you dress your kids up in the most perfect pink and red ensembles for the valentine's day story-time celebration at the library, but find out that the whole shebang is happening next week
...you get a serious hankering for some apple chips but don't have any parchment paper
...you frantically clean your house because you've got company staying for the weekend and don't want to be too embarrassed
....you make sad faces out of fruit and sigh at the fact that it's come to this

Then you remember to smile because...

...you have friends that love you and want to come see you and their company is a treat
...your kids looked their absolute cutest and everyone enjoyed those heart shaped cookies you brought a week early
...when you slice apples all thin and fancy, they have starry little centers (a treasure you had somehow forgotten about)
...your best friend doesn't really care whether or not your house is perfect and accepts you for the slob you are

...food is amazingly photogenic and cooperative.  unlike your kids, who have yet to be photographed in their sweet vintage valentine dresses